Granted, Elaine

by Dee Newman

Granted, Elaine
our bodies felt good together
the few times they touched.
But, I would've gladly given up
even the thought of being inside of you
for being beside you
right here and now.

Sure, it's true
I wanted more from you
than mysticism
than anagogic surmise
than vague spiritual speculations
from those lingering esoteric eyes.

I wanted you.
More than anything else
I wanted you to want me
beyond any Biblical control . . .
to have trusted me completely
even with your so-called
surrendered soul
to have, at least
in the grasp of circumstance
given me a chance
to let go.

At any rate
it’s not too late
for either of us to know
what it is
what it truly is to be
beyond the celestial gate
fragile, unafraid and free
free to face the consequences
with all our senses
whether in joy or sorrow
tears or laughter
today
not tomorrow
not in some future
far off heavenly hereafter
but right here and now.

For believe me
that’s how it is
and forever will be.
There is no river to cross
no mountain or ladder to climb
no fallen angel to fear
no place to hide
on the other side
the milk and honey are here.

And, it’s yours
it’s mine
it’s anyone’s
who is willing to pay the price
no matter what the cost or loss
for the ultimate and final sacrifice
Elaine
is to die on your own cross.

I wrote this poem in 1976.